She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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