So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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