I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
