1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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