I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
