i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
