I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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