I'm eating all of the evidence.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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