we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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