I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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