No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
