In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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