Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
