Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
