I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
