Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
YAS. BRING CRAB.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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