allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
