He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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