I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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