Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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