my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
