I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
