Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
