I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
