I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
