I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
