I hope mine doesn't look like that
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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