Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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