just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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