just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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