So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
