seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
