just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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