i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
