Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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