so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
