There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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