For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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