She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
