Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
