Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
