The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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