i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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