I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
