She is in my trunk
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
