First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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