Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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