I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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