nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
