Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
