I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
