having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
