Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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