I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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