Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
