YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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